who is gonna be the danny tanner to my uncle joey ie im your best friend so you let me mooch off you for 10 years in your sick expensive house in san francisco in exchange for occasionally making your kids breakfast and teaching them life lessons 


summer lovin
had me a blast
summer lovin
dick in my ass


if someone asks if youre wearing the same jeans as you wore yesterday and you are just say “have you ever heard of a washing machine” because they will think that you washed them but you are actually just assessing their knowledge of basic household appliances


*pulls out bread at wedding* i’d like to make a toast

“If you love her, let her know. If you don’t, stop acting like you do.”

— (via scattmccall)


when you come into your room and someone’s there



i need men’s rights because i’ve been walking in a small circle for years. i can only do men’s lefts. i am very hungry. women laugh at me


instead of making jokes or rude comments about someone’s weight you can

  • not do that